Damaged Goods

I recall very vividly that as a child every time my mother asked me to wait in the car while she would run an errand that this was her plan to leave me. It never occured to me to ask myself why my loving mother would leave me or how she was planning on getting home with out the car but I always tried to keep a quarter in my pocket as my first avenue for survival would be trying to call my dad. I always needed to be prepared for the worst. I think this must have been a sign of a somewhat disturbed child. I think that that child has grown into an abnormally untrusting adult. I feel that at this point I now fully trust my mother as well as most of my family members. I think this mainly comes up in my romantic relationships. I have always been very good at being in relationships, however, I do not believe that I have ever truly trusted a significant other. I am currently in a loving relationship, yet I always feel as though I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Feelings of inadequecy run through my head at every whispered "I love you." "He doesn't really mean it" my head shouts, "the others who have said that in the past, where are they now?" Finally the loudest voice of all "why would anyone want to be with you?" So because I am in a relationship I have opened my heart up to love and these thoughts snuck in as well. So I seem to be always a little more depressed when I am in love. Maybe I am alone in this, being damaged goods.

He is just not that into you.

Is not only the title of a hilarious book, but also a lesson I need to learn. So there is this guy we will call Brian. I liked him right away, I think mostly it was his sense of humor. Whatever it was while assuring me he WAS into me, he could not keep a plan we made, not even once. So I can not comment on the sexual relationship between us as it never was. I think that just like I will continue to tell a guy I have plans, "I'm too busy" or "I have to work late" rather than just saying, "Dude, this isn't for me. I am just not that into you" guys will probably do this as well to "spare" our feelings. But please guys do not make repeated plans and not show up and then make excuses and say you want to make more plans. That is just plain mean.

I am really only into small penises

As an adolescent girl I do remember hushed giggling discussions about breast development with friends. Maybe guys do similar things but then why don’t they know how they “size up “ in the world? Didn’t they change for gym class in a locker room as we did?  I suppose that while as women we have an disadvantage of not being able to hide our assets well, or in the case of a woman being able to hide the too well, it is completely socially acceptable to wear padded bras, pushup bras, even bras containing some sort of liquid. Sure there is always the joke about the guy with the sock rolled up in his pants, but how would he really play that on off later.

I have met men, however, who say that they only like small boobs. These men would not be ones dating me so I have less experience with this breed of male specimen. You don’t as a rule tend to hear women say, “I’m really only into small penises.” I will be the first to admit that I don’t really care about the size of your penis so long as it gets the job done. However, if you know it isn’t that big, so do I, so please do not ask me to tell you how big it is during sex.

I don’t feel that I have had enough sexual partners to be considered any great researcher of the sexual nature of men, I would consider myself to probably be in the average of women my age, but one stereotype of women that is true is that we talk. So I feel some what comfortable to generalize this: Men with big penises do not need to be told that their penis is big. I had a boyfriend that I used to compliment on his endowment, if anything he’d get a little red, embarrassed and would say “shut up,” “yeah sure it is,” or my favorite “will you keep it down, the window is open.” On the reverse side of the issue, it seems to be the men on the other end of the spectrum that feel the need to be reassured.

There are a variety of situations during sex where I might feel lead to give some sort of compliment, dirty talk, or throw out the always good “Oh my God!” Guys wouldn’t it feel better if you knew I’d say what I really felt besides you instructing me “Tell me how big it is.” In that case I may say it  to not shut you down but I’m rolling my eyes on the inside.